The Light Always Follows the Darkness

Swathes of darkness are mostly the extent of my childhood memories.

A birthday cake here, a somersault there, not much more. 

Since my father’s death my dreams are bringing twisted,

dark pictures that I’m trying to assimilate. 

These thoughts, once hidden, now freely fall into my conscious like 

rocks precariously perched on a cliff side pummeled 

and set free by a sudden downpour. 

They fall heavy with pain filling my body, 

threatening my very existence.

Yet, I will do this. 

My life has been preparation for the unearthing of this dark monster. 

And when I have exposed the entirety of the monster 

to the light it’s power will wilt. 

No longer holding sway over me. 

My focus is on the future and the positive that I believe will 

come from the work I am doing right now…and always I try to find gratitude for all of the beauty and love I have been shown in this life. 

The Light will Shine Again

My entire life there’s been something dark shimmering 

just outside of my periphery. 

This darkness has colored everything that I’ve ever done, but I didn’t know it.

For weeks now I’ve been having ugly, twisted dreams 

of things I didn’t understand. 

In our last phone call before my brother’s death he alluded to this darkness.

His remark has haunted me, pulling at the edges of my memory.  

He remembered, I didn’t. 

He’s dead, I’m not. 

I’m alive. 

These days I find myself trying to tease out which emotions are mine and which emotions belong to the darkness.

I’m no longer willing to carry those things placed upon me when I was a child.  

I’m working with a therapist. 

I’m setting boundaries. 

I’m taking the space I need to heal what was done to me...and it’s hard.

I’m sending love and light to those of you tonight dealing with your own demons. 

It’s part of the human experience.

 It will pass.

 The light will shine again. 

I promise. 

What's Your Poison?

It’s early, and Pikes Market is just starting to awaken. 

We sit, hands wrapped around coffee mugs, six mini-donuts on a plate between us.

 I’m tired. 

Staring at the donuts I notice

 maple

 is 

dripping

 down

 the

 side

 of the donut closest to me. 

The smell of frying dough fills the corridor we are sitting in. I succumb to the pull of 

the smell and I pick up one of the doughy rings. 

I raise it to my mouth, my teeth sinking through frosting and cakey goodness.

We have two hours to kill before meeting friends from Albuquerque for lunch. 

They are vacationing in the city, and we will be heading to Mount Rainier for the week. 

As we finish our coffee I begin to feel a restlessness. 

This feeling isn’t new. Each time we travel I feel an overwhelming, 

uncomfortable, yet unstoppable,

drive to experience all there is to experience in this new place.

As we put our dirty dishes in a dish bin I notice the corridor has filled with people. 

Locals and tourist mingle, exotic spices mixing with the smell of fresh fish, all watching the fishmongers as they put on a show with huge salmon, crabs, tuna. 

We wind our way through the claustrophobic crowd finally breaking out onto the street…

 relief as the sunlight brushes against my skin.

We leisurely walk toward the designated meeting place, 

stopping at various store fronts along the way. 

It’s early, and some stores are still closed, perhaps awaiting a more civil time to open.

Pete’s enlivened by the Pacific Northwest and he’s uncharacteristically talkative as we walk.

We maneuver the uneven bricks under our feet, Pete talking, 

me scanning my new surroundings.

I notice a man sitting in a recessed doorway. 

Beautiful creamy coffee colored skin. Haunting pale gray eyes. Matted, dirty hair. 

Leaning against the door, one knee bent, foot standing on the cobblestone sidewalk. 

He’s wearing a dirty white tee shirt, cutoff jean shorts, and inexplicably new tennies. 

I stop; he doesn’t look up. Intent on pushing the needle into his right forearm. 

I watch as he injects the soothing poison. 

I wonder what pain has been inflicted on this beautiful man to cause him to do such 

an intimate thing in front of strangers? 

For a moment my heart breaks for this soul…hurting, like so many of us, from the pain inflicted by those who were charged with caring for us. 

I Have a Soft Spot for Strays

Ten years ago I moved an interesting woman in with our family. I’ll call her K. 

I’m very attracted to crazy energy; my theory is that these people

 vibrate at the same frequency as my mom and it’s somehow comforting to me.  

It was supposed to be a pit-stop while she waited for an apartment 

to become available, two weeks tops. 

Two weeks dragged on and soon we reached five weeks with K. 

Those five weeks were filled with all kinds of interesting moments.

Salmon was frequently left out. Our dogs quite appreciated

 the pungent aroma wafting through the house; 

it was reminiscent of the docks at San Pedro. 

K had decided a device that she called “a molecular disrupter” would help with her 

physical ailments. It was a small, square, electronic box with a knob on the top that 

was attached to a needle that you could turn up or down. 

In order to use “the molecular disrupter” one needed to wrap foil on their feet, or 

sometimes the foil was wrapped around the crown of the head.

 I never quite figured out what the different placement of the foil was all about. 

K had many routines. One of these routines was to brush her body when she woke in 

the morning and before she went to bed at night. 

One morning she swept off a ‘spot’ while brushing her skin. 

She was convinced this ‘spot’ was a tick. 

In a panic, K insisted I rush her to the entomology department at

UC-Riverside to have the offending ‘spot’ identified. 

I’m not even kidding here…it was a bread crumb.  

K felt our family life was so “Leave it to Beaver-ish” that she entered our name

-unbeknownst to us-

for the Trading Spaces reality tv show. 

We didn’t make the cut. 

Pete and Jayne eventually gave me an ultimatum, “Either she goes or we go.” 

I think they meant it. 

I pushed as aggressively as I could for her to find a place…and she did.

When moving day came I was surprised to see her lying on our sofa 

when I came downstairs in the morning.

 Something felt wrong.

If I were a dog (I spend a lot of time with dogs) the hair on the back of 

my neck would have stood on end. 

These were her words:  “I’m afraid I’ve gone blind. I can’t see.”

I sat. 

I thought.

 I didn't speak for a long while. 

Then, as though the Buddha came to intervene, I found the words. 

I drove K to her new place. 

The next day her eyesight miraculously returned. 

She came to retrieve her 1998 Volvo that was sitting in our driveway.

For years the oil stain that was left behind on the driveway was a reminder of 

how patient my family is with me and my idiosyncrasies. 

They love me through every adventure that I drag them through…

that’s the only birthday gift I need! 

The Cowboy

I was told it was going to reach the nineties yesterday by Ruth in the office and there’s no air conditioning here in Chimayo; global warming will be changing the air conditioning situation here soon I suspect. 

The door to the balcony is open to allow the cool mountain air to circulate. 

I drank sangria with abandon this holiday weekend, my head is a little fuzzy and I think I should go and take an ibuprofen. No clock, no electronics of any kind in this throw-back New Mexico B & B, so I’m not sure what time it is. It’s dark and it has the feel of early A.M.  

I press myself up and walk around the huge, old bed; the pine floor squeaks with each step I take.  Cringing, I hope not to wake Pete. As I make my way to the bathroom a sliver of moonlight is thrown across the floor at my feet. I grope around in the medicine bag hoping to find what I’m looking for without turning on a light. Finding the meds I quickly swallow two and head back to bed. In the distance I hear howling, it starts with one animal and then he is joined by several more. I think at first that its coyotes and I smile, but soon I recognize the barking is actually my domesticated friend the dog. I crawl back in bed and the barking goes on…maddeningly, all night. The hooting and howling stops as the first rays of daylight burst from behind the mountain and I drift back to sleep.  

I wake (maybe) an hour later to the sound of a cowboy singing, literally a guy in a cowboy hat is playing guitar outside in the courtyard. I roll over and ask Pete to check his watch; its 7:15. My head is throbbing and I lay still. The “Johnny Cash” wannabe had played all the previous night, he was well received by the other eight guests, mostly grey haired and pretentious. After each set they would applaud and he would drop a little anecdotal fact about himself, “yes, yes I have been playing a while, I started when I was six years old, and (haha) I’m nowhere near that anymore.” Then he would begin to smoothly croon his next tune “ice cream on my lips, chocolate, vanilla…” and this went on for the next couple of hours.  

My head has moved to a low thrum and I roll over and snuggle into Pete’s chest. As I listen I begin to snicker. Pete pulls back and looks down at me. What a quintessential New Mexico experience. What are the odds that we would be in this moment having this experience with these complete strangers? 

Always looking for the good moments in each day is something I strive to do, kind of like an art form I want to perfect, in any case it was a quirky moment that I appreciated. I must go now and change the bedsheets in the extra bedroom as I await the arrival of an artist that we met at the B & B who will be staying the night with us before she catches her plane back to Texas in the morning, but that is a whole other story.  

Move a Muscle, Change a Thought

   I’d like to present myself as a fully enlightened being after all these years of meditation, self-reflection, thousands of dollars spent on therapy, 

but still, I’m human…

and lately I’m struggling hard with aging and 

the effects it’s having on my body. 

Some days my training kicks in and I know that I’m strong and healthy and that aging is a privilege that some don’t get. Yet, there are other days that I have to fight to suppress the negative language that pushes up from deep within my 

subconscious about my body.

I realized last night that some of the thoughts that are sprouting up are not mine, 

but seeds that were planted long ago by others.

 Even at this age I’m still fighting the messages I received having

 grown up in a misogynistic family: 

“men can carry extra weight so much better”, “she’s a homely girl”, “do you really need that second helping?”, “that makes you look like a slut”, 

“aren’t you pretty when you put on make-up and fix your hair”, 

“you’re too thin”, “you’ve put on some weight”. 

There was always some kind of critique about my looks and 

this critique was always given because 

“they cared about me”. 

 No matter how much work I do to further my spiritual growth, by that I mean becoming more and more detached from worldly bullshit, 

I believe that I will always struggle with this to some extent. 

However, I need to pay closer attention to which thoughts are mine 

and which have been planted by loving, 

but very flawed human beings. 

My hope is that this blog will get each of you thinking about what you carry that might not be yours? Once you discover the answer to this question 

I hope that you too might begin to change your thought process. 

To paraphrase the Buddha, 

“ the less that I suffer the less suffering I will inflict on others.”

Sweet Ginger....

She sits in her nest licking treats from my palm, quiet tears are running down my face

as we wait for the sedative to take effect.

 I am mourning the loss of my beautiful, vibrant girl.  

Empathic.

 Two beings inexplicably connected.  

Her spirit was still radiant.

 Yet the reality is her mind and body were shriveling.

 Lost most days in senility.

The pain of my GG passing seems almost unbearable tonight.

Yet, it will be borne.

Time will soften this pain…

until then I will weep and mourn with the understanding that we 

were blessed by her…more than words can express.