Trusting In My Own Ability to Balance Life

No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve in quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them.

Alan Watts

     I miss the days of mindlessly going about my life. Of driving through McDonald's with no guilt. Arguing with Pete and being certain I was the agrieved party. Buying cheap clothes without any thought to where they came from or, more importantly, what child might have been exploited to make it. Wondering about everything I pick up at the grocery store: Is it organic? Is it made with GMO's? Is it 100% recycled paper? Is it free range/cage free meat? Does the company use animal testing? And on and on and on. I've been feeling so much pressure to do the right thing each day that I think I've been forgetting to enjoy my life. I realize I've been doing this, to some extent, for many years and I'm grateful that Pete and Jayne have been such good sports. I have a vivid memory from eleven years ago when I was hiking around Aurora Reservoir in Colorado with our friend Neil, Pete's oldest and dearest friend. Neil visits us every year and this particular year the task of taking him to the airport fell to me. I decided we should go for a hike before going to the airport. As we hiked, as usual, I talked. At some point Neil said to me, “You sure talk about psychology stuff a lot these days. Don't you get tired of working all the time?” Neil has a way of pointing out the everyday absurd that can become a part of our lives when we aren't looking. He normally gets it spot on too.

     I have felt broken for so long, desperately searching for the right thing to fix me. Perhaps if I ate healthier, went to school just a little longer, meditated for just one more hour, achieved that next challenging yoga pose.....I kept thinking that around the next corner I might find the perfect panacea. This past Thursday I sat through yet another fifty minutes of therapy (which I'm also tired of) and I realized I'm burned out on self-help. I resent my meditation, I'm craving food that isn't good for me, I'm surly and not sleeping, it's hard to practice yoga (which is like breathing to me); it's as though my life has become a chore. I talked with Connie, my therapist, about this and her response was so simple: “Do what you want. Stop worrying and just be.” I've been working this path to a healthier me for twenty years, and I think Connie's right, it's time I trust in myself to do the right thing and stop worrying. If I don't do the right thing, oh well. It's not the end of the world if I have a Coke or eat a frozen pizza or act like an ass when I argue with Pete. Life will go on and the next time I'll return to my green tea or choose a salad instead of pizza or realize Pete might just be right. For years I've been espousing that once you find the balance in asana it will lead to finding balance in other areas of your life. I need to trust in myself that I too can find the balance off my mat without always worrying about it. I have a feeling I'm going to surprise myself at how often I actually do the right thing; after all, I have twenty years of experience and, even when I do screw up, I know my intention was good. So I will silently hum my new mantra, an oldie but a goodie, “Don't worry about a thing,'cause every little thing gonna' be all right.” Thank you Bob Marley for these words of wisdom.