So Many Boxes

The choices we make can either keep us contained in a box or they can expand us until the box splinters and falls away. Each of us must own our choices and the fact that, if we are restricted by a box, we have only ourselves to blame. I sometimes feel there is more than one box surrounding me, like a Russian nesting doll. Just when I break out of one there is another one waiting, but sometimes I hesitate. It's as though a voice is whispering from within the box, “Don't leave, you're safe in here. Out there you might get hurt. They may prove you're really not ____________ (fill in the blank with your inadequicies)."

I recently bumped up against a wall of a box I thought I had splintered long ago. As I sat at Loyola Marymount University for a yoga function I noticed I was surrounded by cool, hip LA yogis. Then I heard the little voice whispering of my origins. I could ignore the whispering during the film and lecture section, sitting quietly and nodding my head. Later in the day, as I stepped onto my mat, the whispering became louder;

“What's a hick from small town Missouri doing at this amazing program? You're certainly going to be exposed now, you can't fake asana.”

For a fleeting moment I was certain that the amazingly famous and awesome yoga teacher (think Meryl Streep to the aspiring actor), who happened to be standing directly in front of me, would surely recognize me as a fraud. I pictured her signaling to an unseen yoga bouncer, pointing at me, and having me dragged away...only experienced, worldly yogis need apply.

I was overwhelmed, shocked that my old insecurity was still so powerful. I dropped to my knees, disguising my insecurtiy as simply a rest in balasana. I found my breath; long, full inhale, long, calming exhale, and the moment passed. Extending my arms, curling my toes under, I pressed back up into down dog, and glided back into the flow. Through my connection to body and breath, I had quelled my insecurities, if only fleeting.

I will continue to flow through my life mindful of the walls that surround me, doing my best to bring them down, and applying as much kindness as I can when the wall is too solid to topple...and then I'll try another day.