Pete leaves each
morning for work and in this tiny box of a house I wait. Letting the
dogs out I'm greeted by dead cockroaches on the back porch. I fritter
away hours on the patio surrounded by an assortment of mismatched
aluminum and plastic furniture. In my mind's eye, I picture an
ashtray filled with butts smoked to nubs sitting on the table beside
me, lending a nice touch to the
rundown atmosphere in
which I am existing for now.
The dogs are happy for
my company though, and the exploration of new territory excites them.
Gobi trollops over and plops his pudgy front paws onto my thigh for a
quick check in; as I lean down to scratch his ears the smell of sage
hits my nostrils. Ginger, our old girl, mostly rests in her bed at my
side, looking up periodically to reassure herself that I'm still
there. This trip has taken its toll on her and I try not to question
our decision to bring her.
Like my mother's arms,
fear and doubt wrap themselves around me at every turn; questions
burble up from the dark. Was moving a good idea? Will I teach yoga
again? Will our house sale in CA finally go through? Will we have a
place to live next week? So much unknown leaves me feeling unmoored.
With all of this time
on my hands I force myself to write. Sometimes the words crash
together in poetic perfectness, yet other times the words form
misshapen piles of shit feeding the
insidious doubt that
follows me like a shadow.
I
remind myself that I chose this path with eyes wide open.
I
had become too attached to my students and the accolades I was
receiving. Too attached to all the comfort and love surrounding me.
In Vedantic philosophy, freedom is defined by
one’s happiness not being connected to any external agencies, i.e.,
people, places, jobs, money, etc. I consciously chose this path in
order to find freedom/happiness without attachment, not that I have
high hopes of actually achieving that, but I want to try.
I'm
approaching this as another opportunity to become a little bit more
comfortable in my own skin. A lifelong battle, and with fifty just
around the corner, what better gift could I give myself?
