Maneuvering Through the Family Minefields

     As I began to write the latest entry for my blog a ghost from my past emerged, namely, my mother. The original topic of dealing with an empty nest has been put on the back burner as I feel compelled to write about my experience as the child of a mentally ill parent. My mother is bipolar and doesn't regulate her disorder with medicine, so it's a tricky situation. When my younger brother died eleven years ago it seemed to drive my mother deeper into the rabbit hole and eventually contributed to my parents divorcing. At this point things went from bad to worse and with some intensive therapy on my part I put up some boundaries in order to keep myself emotionally safe. This was not something my mother could abide. You see, I was her oldest and my mother and I had always had a close relationship. What I've been struggling with for ten years is how to have a relationship with someone who does not respect your personal boundaries? This latest contact is confirmation of what I already knew, my mother is not ready to respect my wishes. I recently wrote to her explaining my stance once more and telling her that when ready I will contact her. I also included a picture of our daughter; it feels cruel not to let her see her granddaughter. Still she called a few weeks ago and, catching me off guard, I answered. I handled the call with surprising calm (seriously, I was shocked at my detachment), but I kept the conversation short. Since then she has called four times. Did I mention the four calls were all made in four minutes to both my home and cell phone? So how does one maintain a relationship with someone who is not mentally stable? That is the million dollar question.

     I realized today that I've been in denial about the level of stress I'm feeling over this new development. In the past I felt safe because I wrote to my mom when I was ready for contact and, since she hasn't responded in all these years, I felt some semblence of control over the contact. Now, more than ever, I'm realizing in a very profound way the depth of a mother's influence over a child. I feel like I've escaped from a cult and the leader is knocking at my door to tell me I need to return to the fold. It has been a struggle to balance what is in my best interest, and truly my family's best interest, and also to be as kind and loving to my mother as I can, even if that just means saying a prayer for her each day. My therapist once said to me that I must treat my mom like the adult that she is and that I must show her how to be in a relationship that supports both of our highest and greatest good...... man, that's hard when it's your mother and she knows how to push all your buttons. Not to mention the cultish spin on this whole thing; I often hear my mother's voice in my head telling me how unappreciative I am for all she has done for me or some other message along that line. For now I will try to continue to keep my boundaries firmly in place, to quiet that voice from my past that so often is reverberating in my head, and hopefully keep maneuvering through the family minefields.    

Lentil-Mushroom Burgers

Here is the recipe that so many of you have inquired about. It took a lot of time, but the extra patties freeze well to pull out for a quick meal later. Super for vegans!

Serves 12

1 cup dried green lentils                                1/2 cup flax seed, ground
2 1/4 cup water                                             3 cups finely chopped mushrooms
1 Tbl parsley                                                 1 1/2 cups stemmed and chopped kale
1/4 tsp black pepper                                      2 Tbl coconut oil or olive oil
3 garlic gloves, minced                                  2 Tbl balsamic vinegar
1 1/4 cup chopped onion                               2 Tbl dijon mustard
3/4 cup finely chopped walnuts                     2 Tbl nutritional yeast
2 cups bread crumbs                                      1/2 tsp paprika
salt and pepper to taste

In small pot bring lentils, water, parsley, 1 clove of garlic, and 1/4 onion to boil in 2 1/4 cup water. Reduce heat and simmer for 35-40 minutes, until the water is absorbed and the lentils are soft.

While the lentils are cooking, combine the walnuts, bread crumbs, and flax seed in a bowl. Add the nutritional yeast, salt, pepper, and paprika and mix well.

Saute the remaining onion, mushroom, garlic, and greens in oil for 8-10 minutes, then set aside to cool. Remove the lentils from the lentils from the heat, add the vinegar and mustard, and mash with a potato masher to a thick paste.

In a large mixing bowl combine the lentils, veggies, and bread crumbs and mix well. Cool in the refrigerator for 30 minutes. Using your hands shape into burger patties and place on waxed paper. You can then fry, broil, or grill for about 5 minutes per side until lightly browned. Serve like a regular hamburger with whatever fixings you like.

I got this recipe from Eat and Run by Scott Jurek.

My Favorite Quinoa Recipes

  It suddenly seems like everyone is discovering quinoa. Not that I'm that far ahead of the crowd, I just started using it in the last few years. Here is what I know about quinoa (pronounced keen-wah); it's a dense, earthy grain and, for those of you interested in nutrition, it has all of the nine essential amino acids. I have found a few recipes that my whole family enjoys, not a small feat with a teenager, and I thought I would share them here for those of you still trying to maneuver around the quinoa world.

Spicy Quinoa and Black Bean Salad (Great as a side dish or a main meal, best served cold)

1 1/2 cups quinoa


1 1/2 cups canned black beans, rinsed and drained


1 1/2 Tbsp. red wine vinegar


1 1/2 cups cooked corn (fresh, canned or frozen)


1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped


4 scallions, chopped


1 tsp. garlic, minced fine


1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper


1/4 cup fresh coriander leaves, chopped fine


1/3 cup fresh lime juice


1/2 tsp. salt


1 1/4 tsp. ground cumin


1/3 cup olive oil


Directions

Rinse quinoa in a fine sieve under cold running water until water runs clear. Put quinoa in a pot with 2 1/4 cups water. Bring to a boil, then cover and simmer 20 minutes or until water is absorbed and quinoa is tender. Fluff quinoa with a fork and transfer to a large bowl and allow to cool.

While quinoa is cooking, in a small bowl toss beans with vinegar and salt and pepper to taste.

Add beans, corn, bell pepper, scallions, garlic, cayenne and coriander to the quinoa. Toss well.

In a small bowl whisk together lime juice, salt, cumin and add oil in a stream while whisking. Drizzle over salad and toss well with salt and pepper. Salad may be made a day ahead and refrigerated, covered. Bring to room temperature before serving.

International Quinoa Salad (This is by request for Beth ;D)

Quinoa: 1 1/2 cups quinoa, rinsed very well
2 1/4 cups water


Vegetables:1 large cucumber, peeled, seeded, and diced,
2 medium tomatoes (diced), 1 can of corn,
1 jalapeño pepper, seeded and diced,1 can chickpeas (drained),1/2 cup scallions, thinly sliced,
2/3 cup parsley(minced),1 ripe avocado, peeled, pitted, and diced.

Dressing:1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice (NOT lemon)
3 TBL chicken or vegetable broth,
1/2 tsp salt, or to taste (optional),
1/8 tsp ground pepper, 2 cloves garlic, pressed or minced,
1/4 – 1/2 teaspoon chipotle chili pepper

Directions

Follow the quinoa cooking instructions. Fluff the quinoa and allow it to cool. Combine all of the vegetables (except the avocado) in a large bowl. Add the quinoa and mix well. Whisk the dressing ingredients together and pour over the salad. Mix well and refrigerate until chilled. Taste before serving, and add more lime juice as necessary (you want it to be tangy). Garnish with the avocado and serve.

Incan Quinoa (from Eat and Run by Scott Jurek)-think dressed up porridge

1 cup quinoa, 2 cups water, 1 cup almond milk or your favorite, 1 ripe pear (diced) or banana,1/4 cup dried coconut flakes, 3 Tbl Flora Oil 3-6-9 Blend, 1/2 tsp sea salt, 1/2 tsp vanilla,1 1/2 tsp cinnamon. 

Add the quinoa to the water. Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to low, then simmer for 15 minutes, until the water is absorbed. Place the quinoa and the remaining ingredients in a blender and mix until smooth, about 1-2 minutes. Garnish with walnuts,chia seeds, or raisins.

Place in fridge over night and serve cold or warm in microwave.  

The "Not Seen" Phenomenon

     I've started to notice that my intuition is guiding me more these days then the need to fit in or, for some (think Lady Gaga), to stand out. Lately I have been studying a situation that I think all of us run into at some point in our lives, what I call the “not seen” phenomenon. I knew it was a really common sitution for kids as they try to find their place in the world, but I didn't realize how prevalent it is with adults as well. Here is the scenario that plays out on elementary school playgrounds everyday: a kid tries to join a group that doesn't really notice them and they hang on the outskirts of the circle hoping to be brought into the group, but they're either not acknowledged or they're shunned. So the kid might hang in there a little longer or they might move on to the next group. Change the setting for adults, it might be work, marriage, parties, it's just not as blatent in adults. We seem to be a little more subtle in our behaviors in regard to rejecting others, but it still happens nonetheless. For some of us it goes unnoticed when it is happening; it certainly did for me. As the sociologist in me began to observe this scenario I noticed there are times we all try to fit ourselves into places that we don't belong, a round peg in a square hole so to speak. I realized this summer that I'd been doing this very thing at one of my yoga jobs. In my world to make a living you become what is known as a flyer. You move from one place to the next, sometimes juggling three or four employers at a time to bring in more money. It works for me because I'm not a nine to five, sit at a desk kinda' gal anymore. My longest standing job had become stale, yet I hung in there for the sheer routine of it. One day a few years ago I mustered up the courage to give my notice. Finding trained yoga teachers can be a bit challenging (I know, who woulda' thought that possible in California), but it is, and they asked me to stay on just to sub when needed. I agreed out of a sense of loyalty after all those years and that is where it stood until recently. A situation arose last month that helped me see more clearly why I left in the first place, I just couldn't name it until now. The “not seen” phenomenon.

     We were invited to a pool party with all the staff last month, even though I was just subbing for them now. I had been a part of the team for a very long time, so Pete and I went. It was a mixed group, mostly middle-aged people, but there were a few kids under four running around as well. After milling around for a few hours we finally sat to eat dinner. I heard the mom of a three-year-old ask someone behind me at the next table to keep an eye on her son while she went inside for a minute. My guess is my “mom senses” turned on, because before I knew what was happening I was pulling the little boy out of the hot tub. It all happened so quickly. I was talking to some people at our table about a desert I had brought when I looked over at the pool and the young boy was bobbing up and down with his hands flailing and crying, so I walked over, grabbed his hand when he came up, pulled him over my leg and began to hit his back to get the water out of his lungs. At this point the woman who was supposed to be keeping an eye on him came rushing over and the mom also returned to take him from me. They walked off with the boy and I returned to our table. The conversation didn't skip a beat, we went back to talking about rhubarb as though nothing had happened. I leaned over to Pete and said, “I'm shaking.” His response was, “I'm sure! Isn't it weird that no one seemed to notice?” At that moment I knew what my unconcious mind already had realized: I wasn't seen or appreciated by this group. I made the right choice when I took a leap of faith and moved to another studio. It has been two years since I joined Inner Evolution, and the owners and the students make me feel like an important part of the team. From now on I want to align myself with people in all aspects of my life who will see and appreciate what I have to offer and to help me grow to my full potential, something you can't do if you're not seen. I want to thank Phil, Sandrine, and all the students at the studio for seeing me.