I came to the realization that I have
been fooling myself with the illusion of busyness. I have referred to
my eighteen year old daughter as a time commitment, when in reality I
rarely see her these days. The voice in my head was telling me that
grad school was keeping me occupied, but really I was just sitting
and twiddling my thumbs waiting for the committee to approve my
thesis. How many illusions do we perpetuate in our lives to avoid
doing the things that we don't really want to do? Or to avoid those
things that are hard but good for us? How often do you go through a
drive-thru under the illusion you are too busy to cook? Or skip the
gym, yoga for me, because it's too late or you're just too tired? I
am committing to no longer allow this illusion to lead me around, at
least for a little bit. I sat down today to resume my meditation
practice after a very long hiatus. I know that the benefits of
meditation are immeasurable, yet it's hard for me to sit and quiet so
I use my “busyness” as an excuse. I'm going to face the reality
of all this time on my hands and look at it as a gift allowing me to
do things that are beneficial for my body, mind, and spirit.
And so it begins: I went back to
our study, pulled out my special cushion (why do we love to buy
paraphernalia for our hobbies?), sat down and crossed my legs, draped
a blanket over my lap, closed my eyes.....and then my monkey mind
started up. Is it my imagination or do I have more weight on my left
buttocks, let me see if I can move around to find a balance. OK, now
that I've adjusted my sitbones, move back to the breath. Then the
dogs start barking and I admonish myself for poor timing. Why on
earth would I choose to meditate just as the elementary school down
the street gets out? OK, let that go and move back to the breath. I
know what will get me focused, a few Ohms will do the trick. I take a
deep breath in and start my chanting, yet by the end my mind has
moved on to the vibrating sensation the Ohm is causing deep within
me. This brings up a thought about the reverberations from the
singing bowls used at a kirtan I used to attend in Colorado, I
haven't thought of that in a long time. OK, move back to the breath.
On and on my monkey mind jumped and then.....it was quiet. I opened
my eyes to find that thirty minutes had passed. It's often like that
for me, just when I think I'm a lost cause my mind settles down. It
doesn't always go that smoothly. I know that it is going to be a
gamble when I sit down on my meditation cushion. Somedays it is as
though the monkey is all hyped up on Redbull and I leave the cushion
frustrated with myself. I think that's why I allow the illusion of
busyness to keep me from meditating. These days I can see the ebb and
flow in life and when I become stagnant I can sit with it for a
while, but I think I'm ready to flow again. It's time to take the
Redbull from the monkey and find some peace of mind once more. No
matter what life changes are coming my way, I might as well flow with
it.
