What To Do With Regrets From The Past?

      I've been having a rough few weeks. Truth be told it's been a rough three months, but isn't that how life is? Filled with ebbs and flows? You would think after all these years (I'm firmly in the middle age bracket now), that I wouldn't be surprised when it ebbs. But here I am, bummed out for the last two weeks and I'm sick of being sad; quite honestly I'm sick of myself. This month is the anniversary of my brother Jack's death. It's been twelve years since he died and I've gotten used to the fact that he's no longer here. Sadly, my family now finds itself saying good-bye to another loved one. I went to Austin last weekend to say good-bye to a man who has been in my life since the day I was born. Billy is not biologically related to me, yet, I struggled with a deep need to go and see him before he died. It certainly wasn't convenient to go right now, but his doctor said two to six weeks is all he has left. Pete was out of town backpacking (which meant I couldn't even consult with him before I made a decision). As a senior in high school, Jayne had her last homecoming on Saturday. The classes I teach at the college would have to be cancelled. But who says life is convenient?

     Billy and his wife Peggy live just down the road from where my brother's headstone rests, and visiting them, saying good-bye to someone else I love, well...I'm just emotionally raw, and what has come up is regret. I have no regrets in regards to Billy, and going to Austin proved to be a powerful life experience. I was able to tell him how important he has been to me, to wish him a safe journey, and to tell him I love him. I didn't have that opportunity with Jack. A few years before his death I found yoga, and I was a bit of a zealot about the lifestyle changes I'd been making. Alright, if you ask my sister or my husband they would say I was downright overbearring about my new lifestyle and judgemental of everyone who wasn't interested in changing. I had decided that yoga and the dietary changes I was making were beneficial to all, and if they would just listen to me they too could reap the benefits. I was so self-righteous in my new-found knowledge that it never occurred to me that maybe they were happy living just the way they were living. My brother was struggling with life when he died and wasn't in a healthy space at all, so I think I was even more obnoxious with him. Being in Austin has brought to the surface this long burried regret. So, what to do with it? I can't change past behaviors, I'm human and I make mistakes, so how do I find compassion for myself? I loved my brother and I have to believe he knows my intention at the time was only to help him find health, I just went about it in the wrong way. I believe that the universe gives us what we need, we just have to keep our eyes open, and just when I needed a little inspiration to get myself out of this black hole of self-pity I got an email from the Dalai Lama. No, I'm not personal friends with the Dalai Lama, it's a mass mailing that comes if you sign up for it, and in this one he is discussing compassion. He said that to neglect compassion is a mistake because it is the source of our own well-being. Bingo! When I'm soft with myself I'm able to be soft with others, especially those I love the most who also happen to be easy targets when I'm not in a good space. By putting this out into the universe my hope is that I will be able to find a little more compassion for myself -and the people I love- and to forgive myself for past mistakes.