How I Stumbled Into Conscious Living

 Pete and I have been discussing living a conscious life for the last few months and the difference we think it's made to our overall happiness.

What does living a conscious life mean? First, let me tell you what it doesn't mean. Getting a little yoga knowledge and turning into a self-righteous asshole. A new found love for healthy living and preaching to all the sinners still eating McDonald's about their evil ways. Assuming every fight you have with your husband is his fault. (Why did I find it so hard to be wrong?) Stepping up to the express lane at the grocery store with a LOT more than the maximum number of items and pretending you don't see the sign. All those behaviors that deep down, if you listen really closely, you can hear a little voice warning you might not be right. Ah, but making changes based on that little voice is easier said then done.

I began to inadvertently listen to that voice based solely on maternal instincts. Carrying a child can be a powerful catalyst for change.

What living a conscious life means to me is being ever vigilant of my behavior knowing that it directly affects the people around me. This notion was born for me the day I found out I was pregnant with Jayne. My two candy bar lunch chased down by a Big Gulp of Coke suddenly seemed wrong, so naturally, my journey into conscious living started with diet. Then, after Jayne was born, she was collicky and more of my darkness was exposed. The frustration arose quickly in those sleep deprived days and my instincts, so screwed up from my own childhood, was to shake her in anger. What I did instead was put her in the crib, lock myself in the bathroom, and cry with such self-loathing that I didn't think I would ever be able to look in the mirror again. I've stumbled along the way, but I seem to always find my way back. Having a child watching and emulating my behavior was a powerful motivator. I credit much of my mindfulness, my conscious living, to my studies of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras and the Buddha's Noble Eightfold Path. You don't have to study Eastern philosophy to get there though, Christ delivered a very similar message. To ferret out what exists within each of us that we find so disdainful and expose it to the light is the beginning of change. Once exposed, these behaviors, some of which are burried so deep, suddenly seem to have less of a hold on us. I've always been a happy person, but lately I feel, dare I say, blissfully happy and it's nice.