Slowly, I'm Letting Go

I was talking to a friend last week about my jam-packed schedule and how exhausted I've been feeling this summer. As I ticked off the things that filled my month and barred me from a full day off she asked, “why did you schedule so much in July then?” Nothing like the frankness of a Canadian to get you thinking.

As I pondered my propensity for all or nothing (it has been all of late), it also occurred to me that my physical health is not optimum right now either. For a week I've had a dull ache in my belly, my neck is all jacked up, and I've been discreetly picking my cuticles. This morning, as the the light bled through the window covering, I got still and listened...what I found was fear. I think my overscheduling has been an avoidance tactic and this uneasy feeling is directly tied to fear for my child's safety. I have this notion, unconscious until now, that if I keep Jayne under our roof she will be safe. The reality is she is eighteen and going to college, and I have to let go now. I know this is a rite of passage that all parents must go through, I just wish I had a few more years with her at home. Pete and I have done our best to guide her fairly, honestly, and lovingly, and our hope is that she will allow these principles to guide her as she heads off to college. Now we must find our faith.

We are stewards of our children. It's our job to love them, teach them right from wrong, show them how to commune with the world around them, and then send them out into that world to flourish. To paraphrase Hermann Hesse, some think holding on makes you strong; but sometimes it is letting go. I'm getting closer to letting go.