Maneuvering Through the Family Minefields

     As I began to write the latest entry for my blog a ghost from my past emerged, namely, my mother. The original topic of dealing with an empty nest has been put on the back burner as I feel compelled to write about my experience as the child of a mentally ill parent. My mother is bipolar and doesn't regulate her disorder with medicine, so it's a tricky situation. When my younger brother died eleven years ago it seemed to drive my mother deeper into the rabbit hole and eventually contributed to my parents divorcing. At this point things went from bad to worse and with some intensive therapy on my part I put up some boundaries in order to keep myself emotionally safe. This was not something my mother could abide. You see, I was her oldest and my mother and I had always had a close relationship. What I've been struggling with for ten years is how to have a relationship with someone who does not respect your personal boundaries? This latest contact is confirmation of what I already knew, my mother is not ready to respect my wishes. I recently wrote to her explaining my stance once more and telling her that when ready I will contact her. I also included a picture of our daughter; it feels cruel not to let her see her granddaughter. Still she called a few weeks ago and, catching me off guard, I answered. I handled the call with surprising calm (seriously, I was shocked at my detachment), but I kept the conversation short. Since then she has called four times. Did I mention the four calls were all made in four minutes to both my home and cell phone? So how does one maintain a relationship with someone who is not mentally stable? That is the million dollar question.

     I realized today that I've been in denial about the level of stress I'm feeling over this new development. In the past I felt safe because I wrote to my mom when I was ready for contact and, since she hasn't responded in all these years, I felt some semblence of control over the contact. Now, more than ever, I'm realizing in a very profound way the depth of a mother's influence over a child. I feel like I've escaped from a cult and the leader is knocking at my door to tell me I need to return to the fold. It has been a struggle to balance what is in my best interest, and truly my family's best interest, and also to be as kind and loving to my mother as I can, even if that just means saying a prayer for her each day. My therapist once said to me that I must treat my mom like the adult that she is and that I must show her how to be in a relationship that supports both of our highest and greatest good...... man, that's hard when it's your mother and she knows how to push all your buttons. Not to mention the cultish spin on this whole thing; I often hear my mother's voice in my head telling me how unappreciative I am for all she has done for me or some other message along that line. For now I will try to continue to keep my boundaries firmly in place, to quiet that voice from my past that so often is reverberating in my head, and hopefully keep maneuvering through the family minefields.