I Want To Be Right (I say stomping my foot!)

In the past I haven't put much stock in the whole astrology thing. I have a friend that keeps me updated on the state of the planets, the stars, and what it supposedly means to us. It's interesting, so I listen. That's how I know we just came through a period of Mars in Retrograde.

This time the slow moving Mars has made me a believer. I can humbly say Mars just kicked my ass.

For the last few weeks its as though my heart had hardened beyond the point of recognition and, ironically, I knew I was choosing this suffering. It's familiar. It's comfortable, like my ancient, tattered college sweatshirt that has been known to lead some to believe I'm a homeless woman. I'm stuck. Stagnant. Wallowing in my own misery with Dr. Phil echoing in my head, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” And the answer, I want to be RIGHT! Which leaves me suffering.

Here's what's happening in my life that has inspired me to write this blog. Pete's job has been ramping up in the last few years and his stress level is through the roof. As is our human nature we take it out on the people closest to us, that would be me. I talked with him about how bringing his stress home effects me and he got it. He apologized and we talked about some strategies he was going to try to handle the daily pressures of work in the future. Two weeks have gone by and I believe Dr. Phil would give him an 'atta boy! He hasn't snapped at me, zoned out in front of the football game for hours at a time, and he's been more conscious about helping with the “daily grind” stuff...he's been present.

So what's the problem you ask? I was right. He was taking his stress out on me and I'm pissed.

I've had this overwhelming urge to punish him. To bask in my self-righteousness, regardless of the detrimental effect it will have on our relationship. It's ugly. It's not at all who I want to be, but there it is. So now, what do I do with it? I want to soften my heart. I want to own up to my vindictive nature and apologize. I find it astonishing that after twenty-seven years with Pete that I can't just own my shit and move on. It seems pretty obvious he's not going anywhere, so why not just own it? I screwed up, sorry, let's move on.

I wrote this last week and yesterday I was able to finally speak with Pete honestly about what was getting between us. I spoke from my heart and I apologized, which is not an easy task for me. As he always does, Pete opened his arms to me without resentment. He allowed me to blame the last few weeks of angry looks and cold shoulder on the God of War. Now that Mars has moved out of retrograde I'm happy to say Venus is ruling our house once more, at least until the next retrograde spins around.